Chapter 1: The life I thought I had to accept

The kid that didn’t make many friends, the kid that no one wanted to sit by because it would probably ruin their reputation. The girl that always hung out with the boys because she didn’t feel pretty enough or small enough to hang out with the girls. Being fat shaped who I was. I tried to be the class clown, I tried getting into the same interests as others even when I didn’t truly have interest in them, I tried making myself someone I wasn’t because I thought that would get people to like me and want to be my friend.

And it worked. I was able to establish friendships, but at what cost?

I was never the first-choice friendship. I was the one people called when the first option, or second, or third, wasn’t available.

And it hurt. It hurt emotionally, but it hurt physically too. Even though I enjoyed sports, I was the last to get picked, I couldn’t run the mile. I couldn’t climb trees. I couldn’t even walk up the steps without getting winded.

But that was just how it was. I learned to accept it. I learned to put myself in this shell, the one where I would only go out if I absolutely knew that I could do what the others were doing. The one where I would only speak if I absolutely needed to.

And it started a cycle. This cycle where I felt hurt, I felt embarrassed, isolated, and hopeless. I didn’t know what else I could do. I felt like I was just existing, not living.